Are you like a boiling frog?

Ever hear the parable of the frog in the pot of hot water?

Apparently if you drop a frog in a pot of hot water, it jumps out and saves itself. However, if you put a frog in a pot of cold water, and then place the pot on a burner and begin heating the pot, the outcome is different.

Because the water heats up gradually, the frog doesn't spot the danger. Instead of leaping to safety, it stays in the pot and dies. 

A bad marriage or relationship is like the frog in the pot of water, heating.

A lot goes on in your relationship that you don't like. Your spouse may say and do many things that annoy you. You may find your spouse's family difficult and you may not want to spend time with them. You may be happy doing your own thing, and avoiding your spouse.

You and your spouse may only talk about your children. Or maybe not. Maybe most of the time is spent arguing. Maybe your skin crawls when your spouse touches you.

Yet you stay. You're like that frog. No need to beat yourself up about it. Here's why.

There will be moments - historically and in the present - when you like each other. When you laugh at each other's jokes. When you stand side by side, cheering on your child at a school basketball game. When you go on a vacation together and talk. When everything seems to click.

Moments. Weeks. Even months. When everything is okay and good.

So you think, "it's not that bad." 

Yet the good times don't last. And most of the time, you're uncomfortable, not feeling like you can be you. Hiding yourself to avoid tension and conflict.

Inside, you're forgetting who you are, and you're becoming someone else. All to make your relationship work. You're like that frog.

Some people never leave relationships that aren't working.

I've seen women become arthritic or angry, and men succumb to ulcers. Their bodies are trying to tell them to jump out of that pot of boiling water.

Eventually, some people come to this realization.

I did. I thought about our time together, really thought about how much time we'd been happy, and how much time had been going through the motions, or when I felt miserable. 

Out of nine years of living together and being married, there was only about one year in which I'd been really happy. It wasn't one year of happiness followed by eight years of tension and misery. If it had, I would have ended the marriage sooner.

It was a few months of happiness here, followed by difficult times, followed by another month or two of happiness, followed by some okay times, then more misery. And on and on.

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I stayed because I craved the happy times. 

All the while, the not-happy times became more and more difficult for me to bear. Realizing I'd only been happy for one year out of nine was sobering. It was hard to face the truth, but over time I did it. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and like the frog placed in the pot of hot water, I jumped to safety and life.

If you're in a relationship and are thinking, "it's not so bad" or "it could be a lot worse", stop. Instead, think about the time you've spent in your marriage and relationship.

Think about the times when you were really happy with your spouse. What were you doing? When was it? How did you feel then? What caused it to change? How do you feel now? 

What messages is your body sending you? Is there a heavy cold feeling in your stomach? Does your chest feel tight? Do you have any unexplained pains? All of these are symptoms that you're unhappy.

What about your behaviour? Are you yelling a lot? Having trouble sleeping? Feeling a lack of energy? Are you crying? All of these are symptoms too. I know, because I experienced all of them.

It might be time to accept where you are. Start dreaming of something different. 

Ask yourself, "do I want to be feeling like this five years from now?" "Do I want to be living with my spouse?" If not, it's time to dream.

You don't have to know how or when to know you need a change. All you need is to accept where you're at emotionally and physically. Start dreaming of where you want to be, where you need to be to be healthy and whole, and at peace.

This sets the stage for you to make the change, which will take place when the time is right and when you're ready.

If you do, you'll be able to jump to safety when you need to.

 If you’re still not sure about what’s best, I have a short quiz for you to gauge the level of conflict in your home. If you want it, email me. Write CONFLICT QUIZ in the subject line. Then I’ll attach it, and hit reply. Nothing is simpler, right?

And if you know you need to make this jump yet need help, I’m here for you. Simply schedule a complimentary call so we can discover together how I can best support you during this change.