Co-parenting and boundaries: the dance
Confession time. After 8 1/2 years of being separated from my ex, and over four years since we've been divorced, he could still drive me crazy. Truly.
One day I was checking my emails. Saw one from my daughter's softball coach, reminding us the girls have a practice Wednesday at 6:30. "Great!" I thought, "we'll go after her piano lesson." Wednesdays I have the kids, and I was looking forward to it. No big deal, part of the running and the small joys involved with being a parent.
I clicked out of that email, and returned to scanning my unopened mail. Saw one from my ex. The subject line read "We'd practice/Thurs game".
It read, "... Won't be at Wedd practice. She jammed a finger on her throwing hand Sunday afternoon and can't grip a ball or bat properly She'll be at the game Thurs but only to be bat girl and work the gate. Hopefully she'll be fully healed for Sat game. Cheers."
WTF????? I read his message, and saw red.
With him, I go from calm and logical, to a full-blown storm, wanting to rip out his throat, in about 0.1 seconds. Wednesday's were MY time with the kids. His evenings were Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Then there was his reference to the game on Saturday. The kids were with me that weekend.
Who was he to un-commit our daughter to something on a Wednesday evening? She's a drama queen who pretends to have health issues when none exist. I was livid, ready to destroy him. Eight and a half years later, he still had that effect on me.
My first thought was to email the coach, let her know our daughter lives with ME, and that I make most of the decisions. After all, I never commit her to activities during his time.
I could have justified an outburst. Five years ago, three years ago, one, I would have done that. BOOM! Put him in his place. Made a fool out of me. Made the coach feel sorry for my daughter, all because I had to exert control.
It’s what we unknowingly do, when we exert control.
That day, something stopped me. I didn't contact the coach.
I emailed my ex instead. Here's what I wrote: "Hi ..., I was planning on taking her to the practice so she can at least watch. I'm curious why you emailed the coach about Wed without checking with me first." Then my name.
He never responded.
I could have made a big deal about that, and turned it into a battle with a winner and a loser. How would that have helped our daughter? After all, she loves both of us.
Sending the text to him was enough. He knew that I knew that he had overstepped.
It's part of our dance, our story.
I know he did it because he loves being involved with his kids, and softball is an activity he likes and can relate to. He did it to be helpful, to be an engaged parent. When I stop and breathe, I get it.
I understand it wasn't a power play, but a moment of joy on his part. But I'm also proud of myself for letting him know, nicely, that he was overstepping. Boundaries have always been an issue for us, and I suspect always will be.
So I am proud of myself. I behaved like an adult. With compassion, and with strength. Still a struggle, but one that gets easier. I didn’t let my temper and my ego overcome my common sense and compassion. I behaved in the way my daughter needs.
Do you ever overstep and need to crush your ex? If you do, you’re harming your kids whether you realise it or not. They’re always going to love both their parents. If you want to act better, and create better outcomes for your kids, let’s talk.
Kim