Climbing out of the Rabbit Hole

I found myself, on my mom’s birthday, wondering what to give her as a present. I’d bought her a nicely decorated cupcake, and that seemed rather trivial.

She already has everything she needs and when she wants something, she buys it.

What more could there be?

Her health had prevented her from joining me, my husband and my dad on a road trip to visit family in British Columbia. She’d missed out on seeing four grandchildren, a son, numerous great grandchildren, and numerous cousins and in laws.

She loves family and was disappointed.

I thought, “that’s it. I’ll make a Facebook post with pictures of all the family members we visited. There were images of me, 22 other adults, and at least 4 children. To protect privacy, I didn’t tag anyone.

Shortly after I posted, some of the people in the images used the “love” and the “like” comments. The mother of one of the great grandchildren, divorced from my nephew, loved the image of her daughter.

From the responses I was receiving, everyone in the images liked the post.

Until I received this message from my sibling:

Kim take that picture of me off of your family collage. You did not ask. Family supports each other and does not sneak around.

Hmmm. What would you have done? How would you have responded?

At first glance, two options were available. I could apologize and take down the photo. Or, I could say “no”.

I found this message to be rude. I’m no longer the little sister from whom this person steals Easter candy. Was my sibling trying to guilt me into compliance? This meant I was unlikely to comply.

I suspect if I’d read, “Hey Kim, I’m uncomfortable with having my image in your Facebook post. Might you consider taking it down? Thanks.”, I would have taken the first option.

Can you relate? An adult ORDERS you to do something, and you revert to the eight-year old who refused to eat peas for dinner. It gets ugly real fast.

Yet if someone asks you nicely, with respect, the people pleaser in you jumps in and agrees without thinking. This way, everyone stays friends.

Even though, later, you may find yourself fuming.

It’s happened to me, more than once. This is how I see the pattern. It’s how I know how to climb out of this rabbit hole.

Once I calmed down and no longer wanted to write something scathing and hurtful, I saw things differently. My sibling’s demand actually created space for me to respond differently, in a way that is much more authentic to me and to my values.

Firstly, I did some research. Were there any images of my sibling on Facebook?

Before responding, I double checked. My sibling uses a profile picture, not an avatar or a flower or kitten. I’ve shared images of this sibling with family before, without asking for permission first. There’s never been any issue.

There are also images of my sibling with other family members.

Having done my research, I felt much less like I had done something completely out-of-line. I could breathe again.

Secondly, I analyzed my motives. Why had I shared the images of family members visited on this road trip? I asked myself if I had included this photo to cause upset. I asked myself if including photos of my sibling’s children from whom my sibling is estranged were done to cause upset?

In the past, I’ve tried to placate this sibling and have hidden visits with my nieces and nephews. This avoids conflict with my sibling. When that’s happened, everyone around me has had to lie too, and that’s heavy for them. I wasn’t being true to me, either.

They’re all adults. I’m an adult. We can have relationships with whomever we want.

I included all these photos because I had decided to be real and truthful. It wasn’t about hurting my sibling. It wasn’t about exposing wounds. It was about bringing light to something that’s dark. Sometimes that is healing.

Then there’s my mom. She would like everyone to get along. The images, made her feel good.

Knowing this, I felt a sense of peace, and crafted my response. By then, nearly 24 hours had passed since I’d received this Facebook message.

I didn’t act like Alice and go down the rabbit hole to an alternative universe. That’s what would have happened if I’d written something scathing, without stopping to think. That’s what old Kim would have done.

Always stop and think. Count to 10 before responding.

If it helps. When you’re upset, write a draft. Don’t sent it for 2 days. After 2 days, read it. Most likely, you’ll see it’s better to start fresh. This is how to avoid going down the rabbit hole of past patterns of interacting.

Writing the initial response is going down the rabbit hole. Waiting two days and reading it before clicking send … that’s how to climb out of the rabbit hole of family conflict to create a better result.

Like any good negotiator, I didn’t answer with a no. A hard “no” doesn’t leave a person room to save face.

Instead, I shared my why: wanting to make our mom happy on her birthday, and using the images as a gift to her.

My sibling’s next two responses weren’t any more favourable:

“And did you now remove the photo?”

“don’t make excuse, her birthday is over, so remove my photo. You could have apologized for not getting permission and then just removed it. Or, just showed it to her without posting it.”

Now, I couldn’t apologize because I wasn’t sorry for what I had done. Saying I was sorry for my sibling’s reaction to this photo being included with a number of other Korvens would have been an alt-apology. (if you don’t know what an alt-apology is, there’s an earlier blog post describing this).

This time, I wrote a response and then went for a walk. When I returned, I changed things in my initial response.

When I finished, my response started with:

“I don’t know about you, but as I don’t have a magic wand that works, I haven’t yet figured out how to change the past. In my practice, I’ve seen how speaking about should and past events is a way of fanning the flames of blame and shame. That builds walls between people. I want to avoid that so I’m responding in a way that is authentic to me.”

Then there was personal stuff about our family and my motives, including my motivation vis-a-vis our mother for posting publically.

I ended with:

“An event is not good or bad. We create meaning through our perceptions. I have chosen to view including your photo as an act of love and respect for our mother. You have chosen to see it as disrespectful. You don’t understand my position and I don’t understand yours. That’s okay. This is part of being human. It also means that I choose to treasure these differing opinions as an opportunity for dialogue. It also means each of our choices are right. I’m at peace with all of this, and with you.”

A few hours later, my sibling offered a short response: a thumbs up.

I could perceive that in many different ways. I’m choosing to see it as an act of love and acceptance.

After all, as I’ve tried to point out in this essay, seeing another person’s actions through a negative lens, doesn’t create peace. It builds walls and diminishes understanding. Often our first response enflames the situation and leads to bigger problems.

You don’t have to give up on your values or agree with the other person to create peace. Far better to look at your why. If you started from a place of lack and fear (meaning you’re not acting out of love) own it and apologize. If you didn’t, if your motive is to build love, then share your why. Use words that build bridges.

If you try and you’re feeling stuck, please, use the approach I’ve shared in this essay, and even the first and last paragraphs I wrote to my sibling.

After all, the world needs healing more than it needs more hate.

If you’re having difficulty finding the words, or in moving out of shoulds and wishing you could change the past, schedule a free consultation. I’d be happy to help you find better words that will lead to a better result.