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Time to Divorce

Nov 20, 2020

Is it time to divorce? If you have been wondering about this, if you have been thinking about divorce for more than six months, stop.

Divorce takes time. Here’s some information to give you perspective.

Between the time when I first confessed to my husband that I was worried our marriage wasn’t going to last, and the time I asked him to move out for our children’s sake, three years passed.

Another two years passed before we signed a separation agreement. Then two more before the divorce certificate was issued by the court.

Added up, it took seven years from the time I first identified my marriage wasn’t working to divorce.

Divorce is a process. It doesn’t begin when the court issues the divorce petition. It begins much earlier.

There might be warning signs you are ignoring that your marriage either needs serious effort or it will collapse. Some of these are:

  • you would rather spend time at work or with friends than with your spouse;
  • your spouse spends a lot of time away from you in your home;
  • you enjoy conversation and your spouse does not like to talk;
  • the only subject you and your spouse talk about is your children;
  • one of you always has to be right;
  • you haven’t had sex in more than a year;
  • you have different interests;
  • you are not 100% comfortable when you spend time with your spouse’s family;
  • you sleep in separate rooms;
  • when you look in the mirror, your eyes are lifeless; and
  • you can hardly stand to look at your spouse anymore.

If you answer yes to some of these, I also know you are telling yourself there are moments still where you forget the animosity and act as if you like each other. When you laugh at each other's jokes. When you stand side by side, cheering on your child at a school basketball game. When you go on a vacation together and talk. When everything seems to click. Moments. Weeks. Even months. When everything is okay.

I know because I did this. More than once. I wanted my marriage to work. I thought this would be the best for my children.

To assess if it is time to divorce, ask different questions. I suggest asking yourself:

  • do I tell my spouse what is in my heart? Do I speak my truth? Or am I afraid of the consequences of doing so?
  • am I sleeping well?
  • am I on edge a lot?
  • do I have less patience with our children?
  • when I look in the mirror, do my eyes look sad?
  • when was the last time I did something that brought me joy?
  • do I even know anymore what brings me joy?
  • is my favorite color black?
  • does my stomach clench when my spouse smiles at me?

Then ask: "do I want to be feeling like this five years from now?" "Do I want to be living with my spouse?"

If you answer no to the last two questions, it is time to start the divorce process in earnest.

I know you don’t want to. I am pretty sure you are terrified. You never saw this – divorce - coming. Remember, I have been in your shoes. I never planned to divorce, either. Until I realized my children deserved something better than I could give them in the marriage.

It seems like it is time to divorce.

Know you are the reason I offer a free consultation. I know you feel alone (I did). I want you to know you are seen and heard as you begin the process of unearthing if divorce is best for your family. Please reach out. You deserve and need the best support you can get.

Choose Peace.

Use Kim's "Divorce Script" to plan your words and tell your spouse you want a divorce.

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