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How To Tell My Spouse I Want A Divorce: Step 4 - Planning For Peace

Mar 28, 2021

This is the fourth blog post which focuses on how to tell your spouse you want a divorce and keep it peaceful. It is about planning.

Ever hear the Benjamin Franklin quote, “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail?” Usually it is associated with big, important life stuff, like careers and investments.

This quote applies to divorce too. Especially when you want to tell your husband or wife you want a divorce AND want to keep the process peaceful.

It may be uncomfortable, but I want you to think back to your wedding. What would it have been like if you hadn’t planned out every detail? Would there have been music during the ceremony? Or flowers? Enough food and chairs for everyone at the reception? Would people have been ready with speeches?

But for your plan, most likely your wedding day would have been chaos. Perhaps take the time to write out everything you planned to make your wedding day be the experience you wanted.

Commit to taking the same approach with your divorce.

With divorce, a lot of people neglect to plan. Telling their spouse the marriage is over is painful. Humans avoid pain. Avoiding planning the conversation is a normal reaction.

Unfortunately for families facing divorce, the impact of this normal approach can be deadly and conflict inducing. They avoid thinking about the conversation until the pressure becomes so great, the words burst out of them like shrapnel.

The result: high conflict and expensive divorce. Instead of having the separation concluded within six months, they fight in court for three years. Instead of the family spending less than $10,000, they spend $80,000. Their children are miserable and acting out, stressed out from the never-ending conflict. Everyone the person wanted to avoid. Failure.

To divorce peacefully, carefully plan the initial conversation. It is possible to tell your spouse you want a divorce and be compassionate and respectful at the same time. If you plan.

Think of the words your spouse needs to hear to keep the process peaceful. What have you said in the past that created a foundation for a good conversation? Prepare to take the same approach.

Think about when and where you will have the conversation. Location and time of day are important. If your spouse is over-tired, the conversation may be less positive than you would like.

If you need to, write out your script. Rehearse. In front of a mirror. With a friend or family member. You want to sound natural, and you want to be comfortable enough with the words to be able to keep speaking when you are feeling uncomfortable.

Because you will feel uncomfortable. It will be painful. Yet with planning, these feelings can become bearable.

If you feel stuck and aren’t sure you are on the right path, read and use our divorce script workbook below. It contains the elements you need to think of, and a fill in the blank workbook to create your own script.

One thing to remember: make this YOUR plan. It is your family. You are the expert. Your plan does not need to be perfect to be successful. And know I am here to help. If you have questions reach out. Kim offers a complimentary 20-minute consultation which you can use to help plan.

Choose Peace.

Use Kim's "Divorce Script" to plan your words and tell your spouse you want a divorce.

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