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When is the perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce?

Jul 09, 2022

Whenever you think "I'm going to tell him tonight that I want a divorce", you'll think of at least three reasons not to. "He's going on a business trip tomorrow." "He's really stressed and I don't want to add to it." "I need to figure out how to tell our children first." "I don't want to stay in the house after I tell him." Stuff like that.

You come up with the reasons NOT to tell him, because you don't know how to deal with his reaction. You might be afraid he'll be angry, or that he'll cry.

If he's been violent towards you in the past, you're going to need help crafting the message, and deciding where to have the conversation. Reach out if this sounds like you (there's a link for a free session).

Timing and words are different. You're never going to come up with the perfect words, or the perfect time. 

Why? Because you're about to acknowledge that your relationship as spouses is over. That's heavy. We've grown up believing marriages last forever. This is uncomfortable enough.

Then there's us and conflict. We don't know how to start conversations about heavy subjects. Most of us fear conflict. Our normal reaction is to do what we can to avoid it.

So we pretend all is well, or, we make up excuses. In other words, we "bury our heads" in the sand.

This is especially so with a marriage where the spouses have drifted apart. Where is the "happily ever after?" How does that fit with your internal knowing that you'd be happier living in separate homes. Leading separate lives except for your children.  

I know you feel alone. However, you're wrong about that.

You're in exactly the same place as everyone who has ever separated. Some of my clients wait 10 years for the perfect moment. I waited three. Everyone I've talked to has waited, and waited. For the perfect time. For the perfect words. 

Finally, they've had enough. They feel as if they have to take action, or explode. Then they have that conversation.

You're never going to come up with the perfect words, or the perfect time. Accept it and know that this time - now - is absolutely perfect.

If you don't believe me, ask yourself this question: 

what is is costing you to wait for the perfect moment to tell him you want a divorce? 

Imagine your life six months in the future, when you're not living together. Perhaps you'll be happy instead of angry. Relaxed instead of stressed. Speaking calming with your children, instead of yelling. Sleeping through the night. Perhaps you'll be smiling again, and able to concentrate at work. You, controlling your own finances. Living life on your terms.

Think about it. Not telling him comes with a price that is much bigger than financial, right?

Most likely you've been thinking about everything that's wrong, or asking why. Both keep you stuck, waiting for the perfect time.

Focus on what you want your life to be, and you'll find the courage to tell him, without worrying about the perfect time.

You'll be able to step out of your comfort zone, and start the conversation. Pick a time, and share your feelings.

You might be surprised. He might want this as much as you. 

Whatever time you pick is the right time. And accept that whatever words you say are the right words. 

If you'd like my help, I work with people in three ways:

(1) a one-hour, one-issue conversation (as a consultant);

(2) a commitment of 3 - 6 months of at least 3 meetings a month, crafting a strategy for you to achieve goals that work for your family, and additional support when things get sticky (as a consultant); and

(3) helping spouses communicate more effectively so they can create customized and fair solutions that foster peace in their families (as a mediator).  

To learn more, click on the link, and we'll have a conversation to explore how I can best help.

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